It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
