also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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