What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
