I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize