Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
