apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
