Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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