this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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