I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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