i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We need to get me chipped asap
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
