Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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