i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
