Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
