I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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