The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
