Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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