she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
