does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
