I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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