I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
