I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
