Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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