i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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