Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I party with great urgency now.
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