This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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