This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
