On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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