Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
