your parents love me but you hate me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize