You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
