tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
being pregnant is like rehab
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
