The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
