just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
