I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize