Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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