plz talk dirty to me
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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