Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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