my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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