If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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