Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
