She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
