Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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