if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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