Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
