I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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