Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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