so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize