Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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