Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I love you.
Bad choice
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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