Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize