I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My penis needs a shock collar
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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