I can text with my tongue
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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