6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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