I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
