I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
